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All about control but different meanings!
To take control requires knowledge and self-discipline. - To have control requires commitment and a change in your life style.
- To control puts bondage and a burden upon you, because that which you control is your responsibility.
- To be controlled by - check out this surprise - is the things that you avoid to work through or the things that you don't have clear boundaries or values about.
Things that awake your anger control you and the things which you avoid keep you captive. It is the last one that usually put us in a position that makes us cry out for help. I recognize this position in something James Thurber said:
"Most people lead lives of noisy desperation."
I'm going to teach you 3 easy steps - how do you move from a position of being "controlled by" to a position of being "in control of". Note' not to control but to be in control.
1. STOP
Why must I momentarily pause? To prevent myself from reacting!
A Discreet man conceals his wisdom, while fools make public their nonsense.
Reaction:
Reaction is a poor excuse of trying to protect those things that you believe belong to you, but that is exactly what reaction is, a desperate way to protect. Think about any female animal with small ones, if you dare to come between them, even if it is not on purpose, you are sure to be injured.
Reaction is born out of a few things:
You feel out of control, in other words you feel as if you cannot control something or someone. It can be that someone's different opinion makes you feel uneasy or it feels as if that person or situation takes the known away from you and then you would not know how to act and that makes you react. With your reaction you want to protect what is yours, whether it is an ego, a work situation or loneliness. Reaction just shows others how out of control you are and it awakens alert.
Then there is fear. Fear of looking like a fool or rejection or whatever it may be. Did you know that F-E-A-R stands for False Evidence Appears Real?
But in the moment of reaction it does feel real. The 'war' is a reality and the only thing you hear, feel or know is that which you believe is a reality! It doesn't matter if it is the truth or a lie; a fact or a fiction; it is a threat to you!
Exhaustion is another favorable playground for reaction. It is so simple that when you are tired you cannot think and go into a survival mode where you just react so as not to go insane.
Albert Einstein said about insanity:
"It is like doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
When you are tired you do exactly that, the same old thing over and over again and hope that somewhere something will change to make you cope and become in control.
Unfortunately it is not such a passive experience to become in control.
Your past experiences are a huge giant that feed reaction. Learn from them, but do not let them control you. Work through them but do not carry them with you your whole life, you will never be free to take control of your life!
How do I turn reaction into action?
2. THINK
What do I have to think about?
That's a very good question, because if there is no reference for your subconscious to dig into then you do not have something to think about.
The next question is what references do I have to build so that I can have something to think about to get control over a situation?
You have to have a value system concerning the matter; how would you like to present yourself in the situation? How far will you allow people to stretch you? What is your belief about the matter?
Now if you know these answers you do not get upset but just firmly state your borders concerning the matter and move on without any hard feelings. Lets' take the example of people being rude to you; you can state firmly that you do not allow people to talk to you in such a way and whenever they can control their emotions you are willing to carry on with the conversation.
Then when they have control of their emotions you are still in control of yours and in a sane state of emotion to carry on with the conversation. In business you have a choice to decide with whom you want to do business and if a person does not fit into your frame of decisions then just state your borders very clearly and then it is up to them to decide whether they want to play in your borders or want to move on to another business partner. No hard feelings!
A leader does not condition his appeal to the sentiment or mood of the times!
If you know beforehand what you stand for it is easier to take a stand
Secondly you have to plan your life. Where are you as a person going? Does this situation fit into your life or business plan? How does it serve you?
This is not a negative reflection of other people, but if you do not know where you are going you are going to please people and they will manipulate you which will leave you with a sense of being used or not having any worth in life. It will make you feel like you are being controlled by other people.
You cannot make someone else's choices
You shouldn't let someone else make yours.
Anticipate the outcome of the matter!
Where does conflict come from? Is it not when everyone wants to have their own way and do not want to give heed? Is it not when you create a win, lose situation?
Whenever a win - lose situation develops then everyone has to protect their own 'pride' and reaction steps in.
In a situation like that you are not in control because you fight a person not a situation. Whenever you fight a person someone gets hurt and there are no solutions in hurting each other.
You feel you are the most important person and so does the other person. You do not want to change and neither does the other person. As little as you would like to give up the same way the other person also does not want to give up.
The truth is, both persons are equally important and the solution lies in looking at the situation and how everyone can contribute out of their strengths to solve the situation.
Think what will happen to all people involved if…they looked at both sides. Take yourself and the other person out of the situation and work to benefit everyone involved.
For this to happen you will need knowledge concerning the matter, even if you have to get an expert to give direction!
3. DECISION MAKING
This is the last but most important step in taking control.
Did you ever realize that when you make a decision you are in control?
Can someone take something from you if you give it to them?
Can someone control you if you submit to them?
Can someone manipulate you if you do not allow it?
The answer to all the above is NO!
Even if you make the decision to submit, then you are in control. If you make the decision to let go, you are in control.
Let's take an example of two friends being in a struggle or conflict situation. They turn out to be furious with each other. If you are one of those friends and you decide to forgive, you are the one who is in control because you made the decision and if the other person does not respond they stay in bondage to the emotions they did not work through.
Remember when you make a decision; the other person is equally important as you.
A belief is something you hold
A conviction is something that holds you.
Be a leader by taking control and keeping it through three easy steps:
1. STOP
2. Think
3. Decide!
Grateful people are happy people.
By Fitnessemag.com & Hettie Orffer